Trusting

The rains moved through around 5:30 this morning, awakening me with their callous cadence on the roof. I lay still, eyes wide open, pondering. We talk, He and I, of the warmth of friendship, the regret of some words, the joy of others, and the insensitivity of a dip made with dairy products. Why do I always screw up?

All the while the rain thrums.

I rise to see, He knows how I love the rain. And the sun comes. I smile.

He never does it the way I think He should; this giving of gifts. But still, He knows the desires of my heart better than I.

Do I dare to trust Him?

I believe that all things move according to His plan. That He knows all things before they unfold before my eyes.

He is moving us in a new direction. And it frightens me. It saddens me.

Still, I trust.

My trust does not look like the trust of others.

I question. I cry out. I thrash about with indecision.

But I never let go of His hand.

This is where my heart is: in His hands. I cannot take it back anymore than I can command my lungs to stop breathing this air around me.

He is part of me now.

Sometimes I long to separate. To pretend I don’t know He is there. To hold on to my flesh and run wild into this world.

Pretend…

When I was a little girl I would pretend to be a wife; a mother…cradling my baby doll close in my arms. Protecting her.

But I am not a little girl any longer. I am a wife. I am a mother. I want to hold my loved ones close and protect them.

Protect them from Him?

From what He requires?

I wonder why these things evoke such a melancholy view from within my heart. It is an adventure. It is a new beginning. It is exciting.

Trust.

But the little girl who pretended only always wanted to belong. To have a family, to be loved.

Trust.

This struggle need not be so difficult.

Trust.

He takes me where I belong.

Trust.

I will follow…

Comments

  1. says

    Trusting is a hard thing to do.
    The times I have completely turned something over to the Lord…totally surrendered it to Him, have been the most profound times of my life.
    I love the song that says “‘Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus; just to take Him at His Word; just to rest upon His promise, just to know thus sayeth the Lord. Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him. How I’ve proved Him ‘ore and ‘ore. Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus Oh for grace to trust Him more.”
    I’m keeping you in my prayers.
    Love,
    Valerie

  2. says

    Trusting has not been the easiest thing I have done….but everything in life comes back to trust.
    Do I REALLY trust Him with all that is my life? The more I know Him, the more I trust Him.

    Thank you for sharing your heart friend.

    Hugs,
    Julie

  3. says

    It was nice meeting you as well.

    Everything is such a blurr. I wish I could have had a long conversation with everyone!

    I love your perspective on trust. It is ahard thing to do, isn’t it?

  4. says

    Loved this post on trust. I can never hear that word enough. A reminder of where I can find my rest.

    Thanks for stopping by my blog this week.

    enjoy your weekend.

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