Heart’s Desire

Today is Teddy’s birthday. Thirteen years ago at this time I was waiting. 

I wait still.

This child of mine has always been a challenge. He just sees the world a little differently than most kids his age. Last night, I snuggled in beside him (13!) for the tucking in. I was painfully aware of how little bedspace was left with both of us under his covers. No longer am I able to wrap him in my arms and whisper mother-dreams over him.

His feet are bigger than mine.

So, I lay beside him and contemplated how to grow with him; how to stay this close forever.

I remembered these words I penned a couple of years ago. They comforted me. I hope they bring some measure of joy to you as well.

September, 2008 

He wakes up, before sun’s light and in darkness heeds body’s call. Light spills into the hallway, underneath the crack in my door and, like a siren call, my eyes open.

I listen to padding feet, bustle of body, until the soft squeaks of the mattress signal he has returned to the land of dreams.
But I cannot, and so I rise.
I am thinking about how I learned to hear his movements in silence. How every stirring of his body incites readiness in mine.
Was it the infant cries that trained my sleeping brain to heed the soft noise of rustling blankets?
Or the many nights of childhood illness that kept me in wakeful slumber by his side?
Perhaps it was written on my heart from the beginning of time—this mother love.
I sleepwalk to our meeting place and ponder these things with The One I Love The Most.
Before I ask the question, I know the answer.
Is it this way for You? I muse.
And I know it is.
He is in a constant state of readiness for His children.
Watching as they sleep.
Hearing the padding footsteps as they choose the path they will walk.
Waiting for the voice to call in the night.
He is always ready.
I bend my head low and touch the floor with my forehead, overcome.
I reach out my hand to touch Him.
I know He is here.
Thank you, I whisper. Thank you.
I lift my head and see this crescent moon, a mere sliver of itself. It is lying on its back, smiling at me.
I smile back.
He knows how to stir my heart secrets. He waits with bated breath to do just that. He anticipates my face, waits to see me smile…longs for a deep-throated belly laugh.
This knowledge fills me up inside.
The knowledge of HIS mother-love. And in Him, we will always be bound.

Alone in the dark this morning, I found my heart’s desire.

Comments

  1. says

    I’ve started hitting the floor face down again…used to do it LOTS more…on your face whispering to the Father does amazing things for one’s perspective.
    Happy Birthday to your son…they grow so fast yet in our hearts they are still that little one we cradled.

  2. says

    My son turned 21 this past August. He’s over 6 feet tall (I’m just 5’2″). In May, when he graduates from NYU, he’ll open his wings completely. Your beautifully written post takes me back. . . to him and to Him.

  3. says

    Must share something I read this morning from E.M. Bounds book on Prayer:

    “Robert Louis Stevenson told a vivid story of a storm at sea. The passengers below were greatly alarmed, as the waves dashed over the vessel. At last, one of them, against orders, crept to the deck, and came to the pilot, who was tied with rope to the wheel, which he was turning without flinching. The pilot caught sight of the terror-stricken man, and gave him a reassuring smile. Below went the passenger, and comforted the others by saying, ‘I have seen the face of the pilot, and he smiled. All is well.'”

    Face to face with Jesus is the most wonderful place to be.

    Love your beautiful words!

    Hugs, sweet one!
    Cheri

  4. says

    thank you Laura for these beautiful words

    words that have drawn me to Him

    I too have a young one so quickly leaving boyhood, he turned 16 a few weeks ago

    My heart aches but yet is so full, so full of Him and His gifts

    Jesus is wonderful

    In Him,
    Tina

  5. says

    I know this now. When my parents were up with my siblings at night, I’d wake and wonder a little before falling asleep again. When they were up with me, I was so glad they were there. Now I’m the parent, and I understand, and I’m so limited in what I can give in the tired and the sick that I am so often, but my heart is just as wakeful. Sometimes we are more wakeful when we know the need is greater, aren’t we?

    Thank you for your comment at my blog today – and for your prayers. They help. He is listening, helping, lifting the fog. You do everything you can, and God…

    I hope to post more from me this next week.

    Thanks for being there.

  6. says

    Happy Birthday to your boy! I pray he knows how blessed he is to have such a wonderful mother. Your words, as always, opened my heart to hear God’s voice calling to me. Thank you.

  7. says

    A beautiful expression of love. I enjoyed reading, and pondering the Lord’s awareness of my motions. I hadn’t thought of it quite that way. As the kids grow (my baby will be 18 soon) I have lost some of the comparison I used to see when they were younger.

    Thanks for taking me there.
    Love,
    Kathy

  8. says

    To know we are loved in such a way is overwhelming. I wonder – if we were not, could we love as we do? And when we turn away from such great love, do we somehow love less fully? Is there more selfishness?

    This is so beautiful Laura – so beautiful. You work magic with words.

    Happy Birthday to your teenage boy!!!

  9. says

    Happy Birthday to Teddy!
    I remember – vividly – sitting beside my oldest son, now 25 and seeing his legs and feet. He was around 13. They looked like the feet of a MAN…my husband?

    AGH!

    I sat, in astounded awe.

    A little freaked out.

    My baby, my child, was becoming a man.

    What mixed, beautiful, fearful, excited feelings that poured into and out of my soul that summer evening. I shall never forget.

    Mother love. My hearts desire too.

  10. says

    I bend my head low and touch the floor with my forehead, overcome.

    Loved that Laura!!!!! What a beautiful post so obviously straight from your heart. And what a neat letter for your son.

    Oh and in my email response back to you yesterday I put “Wellblog”…sorry, meant Wellspring blog. 😉
    Love you,
    Lelia

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