You Are Fully Known

He left without saying goodbye this morning and I was devastated.

I cried a little. God filled His wineskin as the fullness of the past few days washed over me.
There hasn’t been time to breathe.
On my way home from work the other day, I realized I was holding my breath–my entire body locked up, tense and waiting. In ancient days, this stress response prepared one for whatever was necessary. Fight or flight they call it. But there I was, in rush hour traffic, flooded with stress hormones–poised for anything but going nowhere.
I forced air in and out of my lungs, deep and slow.
This isn’t living well, I thought.
Then there is this in my reading this morning: …I am fully known.
Paul said it.
Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
I thought of Caleb’s canvas and tried to muster some trust.
But I am just tired.
And I wonder to myself, how can You? How can You fully know and still be silent?
When the misunderstanding happened this morning, he didn’t know what the voices in my head were saying. He only knew in part.
We are as close as two people can be, yet…he does not fully know me.
And I do not fully know him.
But there is One who knows.
I chastise myself, tell me to be patient, pray for more faith…
But he left without saying goodbye this morning.
And I know something must change.
I am Jonah, crying out from the belly of the fish. I know this is a strange sort of rescuing, but it’s cold and dark and it stinks in here.
Jonah had issues, but from the belly of that fish, he offered up Psalms of praise to God.
Will I do the same?
I am fully known.
Do I trust these words? Do I trust the One who knows?

You are fully known.

There is so much pain in this crazy world. And I can’t even make it through the morning today. All that I know is I never want him to leave without kissing me goodbye again.
I never want it to be okay. Never want to be okay with that sort of thing.
So this is me. Crying out. Rescue, Lord. Rescue.
I’m singing this song, Lord. Forgive me.

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Comments

  1. says

    praying his heart would be receptive when he comes home to you tonight. thank you for your honesty…it is beautiful. Thank you, Jesus, for fully knowing us when no one else does!

  2. says

    Oh Laura, I completely know how you feel. The one who should be the closest to knowing you fully didn’t recognize you this morning. I have been there. And the only way to find solace in that is to remember that there is truly only One who fully knows you because He made you. Everyone else is just in the process of coming to know you. This post moved me to pray for you and your heart to find comfort and peace in His unconditional love and actions that will bring His will and purposes to pass in your life.

  3. says

    Doug and I have an agreement…even if we are cranky with one another we never leave without a kiss and an I love you! You might think that is not appropriate if we are cranky with the other…but no matter how upset I am with him or whatever the situation…I “always” love him…that is NOT in question…therefore..it is our commitment to one another! Praying his heart will have softened, today. Sometimes we just need to stomp it off…march around our offices or through the woods yelling it out with GOD.
    Hugs, love, and prayers,
    andrea

  4. says

    We do want to be known and yet at the same time can’t share our entirety. There is only One who will know us fully and grace be given – He loves us anyway!

    Thank you for sharing your heart.

    As for the song – I have it on “replay” in my car. I can’t seem to get enough of it. And of course, the photos of Haiti…well, you know, part of me is still there.

    Shalom, my friend,
    Denise

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