I am reading the chapter again and I am highlighting and taking notes and wondering and I run out of time. I get up an hour early to write the post but it’s not early enough because these words jump out at me: Thanks makes now a sanctuary. Those words jump out at me and grab my heart and it pulses with ingratitude and busy and it gasps for the sanctuary of now.
My hands feel heavy on the keyboard and the still, small Voice calls. I leave the computer. Go to the bay—the place we often meet. I press my forehead to glass and see that the morning sky is cotton pulled thin and the sun is ripening behind this veil. I hear the robins soothe with morning song and watch a rabbit nibble clover in the front yard.
I close my eyes and let beauty make an imprint on my soul.
Thank you, I whisper. Thank you.
But it’s not enough and this I know so I pad soft and quiet up the stairs—to the sleeping places. And there he is with those long lashes resting on cheeks. His legs reach the bottom of the bed now and he’s rolled on his tummy, as always. My fingers itch to touch a cheek, to stroke those thick locks that never behave but I know that this time is not for touching…just seeing.
I do. I see him. I see him and the words he told me last night—about not knowing what to be, who to be, what he wants. What I want from him.
The ache sits heavy inside of me—all that I want for him.
Happy, I had whispered to him in the dark. I only want you happy. That’s all.
To be thankful in the now, I must let go of expectation. Of all that I want.
…here-time asks me to do the hardest of all: just open wide and receive. (Ann Voskamp, OneThousand Gifts).
I can’t make time stand still–can’t stop boys from growing or hearts from hurting with that growth. I can’t fix all that is broken in my tiny world. And when I try? Worry. It’s worry what fills the moments when I get out my toolbox and start tinkering.
All that I have is this moment. I open wide and receive. And I am thankful.
…When I fully enter time’s swift current, enter into the current moment with the weight of all my attention, I slow the torrent with the weight of me all here. I can slow the torrent by being all here.I only live the full life when I live fully in the moment…(Ann Voskamp, OneThousand Gifts)
How do you embrace the God-joy? Every Monday I’ll be sharing one of my Playdates with God. I would love to hear about yours. It can be anything: outside, quiet time. Maybe it’s solitary. Maybe it’s loud and crowded. Just find Him. Be with Him.