This morning the steady thrum of the falling rain is a balm for my spirit. I have been preoccupied, concerned about many things. It has separated me from God—stolen my words, which are my way to his heart. And I’ve been questioning myself—who I am, where I am, what I desire. It always makes me wonder, why is the voice of doubt so loud in my mind? Don’t I know who I am by now?
When I was on retreat a couple weeks ago, I confided in a friend some of the things wearing on my mind lately.
What do you do with that? She wanted to know. Do you have some technique to help?
I just pray, I said. And she seemed disappointed. I always think that those who’ve been on their faith walk longer must have some secret,she said. And I’ve been pondering her words ever since.
Is there some secret formula to getting through the difficult?
I do carry a certain scripture with me wherever I go. I recite it to myself when my thoughts turn unruly. This helps, but it certainly doesn’t take away this hard stuff. So lately I have wanted to disappear, go through the motions of life unseen and hide under a blanket of shame and doubt. But Jesus? He never leaves me. He walks beside and gently points to my discomfort.
Pay attention to this,he says, over and over again. It is teaching you.
And so, instead of hiding in this difficult place, I am trying to stand tall in the midst of it; to look around at what it speaks into me and learn. I’m not doing a very good job of it. This is what it feels like to be humbled. I don’t much like it. But I’m learning to see differently.
And after all this time, to grow … to keep changing and conforming to his image … it’s all gift, all grace. We do not walk alone.
with dear Lyli today.