He comes down the stairs, tying robe—this smallest one. He is still growing into himself and his sweet, sleepy face always makes me smile in the morning.
“Why, hello there,” says I, “good morning, sleepyhead.”
He sits down on stairs right where I spied him and rubs sleepy eyes.
“Is it time to eat?”
He is waking up hungry.
So I stop what I am doing and move to kitchen…captivated by this sleepy sun brightening quiet morning—dawn sprite.
I hum as bacon sizzles.
He wants chocolate chip pancakes, so I move to cupboard.
Dash of vanilla—
When was the last time I woke up hungry?
This thought rips through peaceful regimen and I stand, frozen, in the middle of the kitchen.
Instinctively, I raise a hand to abdomen…feeling for that burning hunger of days past.
What fills me?
My days are well-scripted, my mornings a sanctuary. But in this unfinished state, how can I feel sated?
I turn thoughts inward. Probe around with sixth sense.
I feel no hunger there. Yet, no satisfaction either.
Instead, this deep cavernous hole unfolds.
I ponder these things as I turn the chips in the batter—tiny specs in a fluffy sea of white.
This floundering has its purpose…to awaken me to this monochromatic living I’ve been doing these past weeks.
Life has drained me dry. I’m too tired to hunger.
I know He is calling me.
He desires a rekindling. Fan these ashes into hot flame.
I watch as Jeffrey carefully picks apart pancakes…sopping every forkful with gooey syrup and savoring each bite. His hunger will be satisfied for now, but this tasty goodness will always bring him back for more.
There is a difference between eating and feasting, Beloved. And when one is used to being filled with good food, hunger pangs bring urgency. Not just any old food will do.
Of late, I have been snacking.Settling.
A little here. A little there. Just enough to quell the hunger pangs.
But not enough to truly satisfy.
Just enough to keep the hunger from truly deepening.
I’m not sure where to begin in this quarry. I’m still digging around, searching.
But I know that He will lead me.
He never lets me be.
He never lets me be.